The Perfect Trap

The Perfect Trap

Perfectionism can lead to physical and emotional stress. A guide to giving up the unattainable.

By Monica Ramirez Basco Psychology Today

If you're always worried that no matter how hard you try it is never good enough, or you're constantly disappointed in the people you live or work with, you may be caught in a sneaky snare. Here's how to break free.

Susan, an interior designer, had been working frantically for the last month trying to get her end- of-the-year books in order, keep the business running, and plan a New Year's Eve party for her friends and her clients. Susan's home is an advertisement of her talent as a designer, so she wanted to make some changes to the formal dining room before the party that would be particularly impressive. It all came together in time for the party and the evening seemed to be going well, until her assistant, Charles, asked her if Mrs. Beale, who owned a small antique shop and had referred Susan a lot of business, and Mr. Sandoval, a member of the local Chamber of Commerce and a supporter of Susan's, had arrived.

Susan felt like her head was about to explode when she realized that she had forgotten to invite them to the party. "Oh, no," she moaned. "How could I be so stupid? What am I going to do? They'll no doubt hear about it from someone and assume I omitted them on purpose. I may as well kiss the business good-bye." Though Charles suggested she might be overreacting a little, Susan spent the rest of the night agonizing over her mistake.

Susan is an inwardly focused perfectionist. Although it can help her in her work, it also hurts her when she is hard on herself and finds error completely unacceptable. Like many people, she worries about what others will think of her and her business. However, in Susan's case her errors lead to humiliation, distress, sleepless nights and withdrawal from others. She has trouble letting go and forgiving herself because, in her mind, it is OK for others to make mistakes, but it is not OK for her to make mistakes.

Tom, on the other hand, is an outwardly focused perfectionist. He feels OK about himself, but he is often disappointed in and frustrated with others who seem to always let him down. Quality control is his line of work, but he cannot always turn it off when he leaves the office.

Tom drove into his garage to find that there was still a mess on the workbench and floor that his son Tommy had left two days ago. Tom walked through door and said to his wife in an annoyed tone of voice, "I told Tommy to clean up his mess in the garage before I got home." His wife defended their son, saying, "He just got home himself a few minutes ago." "Where is he now?" Tom demanded. "He better not be on the phone." Sure enough, though, Tommy was on the phone and Tom felt himself tensing up and ordering, "Get off the phone and go clean up that mess in the garage like I told you." "Yes, sir," said Tommy, knowing that a lecture was coming.

For Tom, it seems like every day there is something new to complain about. Tommy doesn't listen, his wife doesn't take care of things on time, and there is always an excuse. And even when they do their parts it usually isn't good enough, and they don't seem to care. It is so frustrating for

The Perfect Trap

Tom sometimes that he does the job himself rather than ask for help, just so he doesn't have to deal with their procrastination and excuses.

Tom's type of perfectionism causes him problems in his relationships with others because he is frequently frustrated by their failure to meet his expectations. When he tries to point this out in a gentle way, it still seems to lead to tension, and sometimes to conflict. He has tried to train himself to expect nothing from others, but that strategy doesn't seem to work either.

The Personal Pain of Perfectionists

The reach for perfection can be painful because it is often driven by both a desire to do well and a fear of the consequences of not doing well. This is the double-edged sword of perfectionism.

It is a good thing to give the best effort, to go the extra mile, and to take pride in one's performance, whether it is keeping a home looking nice, writing a report, repairing a car, or doing brain surgery. But when despite great efforts you feel as though you keep falling short, never seem to get things just right, never have enough time to do your best, are self-conscious, feel criticized by others, or cannot get others to cooperate in doing the job right the first time, you end up feeling bad.

The problem is not in having high standards or in working hard. Perfectionism becomes a problem when it causes emotional wear and tear or when it keeps you from succeeding or from being happy. The emotional consequences of perfectionism include fear of making mistakes, stress from the pressure to perform, and self-consciousness from feeling both self-confidence and self-doubt. It can also include tension, frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger or fear of humiliation. These are common experiences for inwardly focused perfectionists.

The emotional stress caused by the pursuit of perfection and the failure to achieve this goal can evolve into more severe psychological difficulties. Perfectionists are more vulnerable to depression when stressful events occur, particularly those that leave them feeling as though they are not good enough. In many ways, perfectionistic beliefs set a person up to be disappointed, given that achieving perfection consistently is impossible. What's more, perfectionists who have a family history of depression and may therefore be more biologically vulnerable to developing the psychological and physical symptoms of major depression may be particularly sensitive to events that stimulate their self-doubt and their fear of rejection or humiliation.

The same seems to be true for eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia. Several recent studies have found that even after treatment, where weight was restored in malnourished and underweight women with anorexia, their perfectionistic beliefs persisted and likely contributed to relapse. Perfectionism also seems to be one of the strongest risk factors for developing an eating disorder.

Sometimes the pain of perfectionism is felt in relationships with others. Perfectionists can sometimes put distance between themselves and others unintentionally by being intolerant of others' mistakes or by flaunting perfect behavior or accomplishments in front of those who are aware of being merely average. Although they feel justified in their beliefs about what is right and what is wrong, they still suffer the pain of loneliness. Research suggests that people who have more outwardly focused perfectionism are less likely than inwardly focused perfectionists to suffer from depression or anxiety when they are stressed. However, interpersonal difficulties at home or on the job may be more common.

The Perfect Trap

How Did I Get This Way?

There is considerable scientific evidence that many personality traits are inherited genetically. Some people are probably born more perfectionistic than others. I saw this in my own children. My oldest son could sit in his high chair, happily playing with a mound of spaghetti, his face covered with sauce. My second son did not like being covered in goo. Instead, he would wipe his face and hands with a napkin as soon as he was old enough to figure out how to do it. As he got a little older, he kept his room cleaner than his brother. When he learned to write he would erase and rewrite his homework until it was "perfect."

Parental influences can influence the direction or shape that perfectionism takes. Many perfectionists, especially inwardly focused perfectionists, grew up with parents who either directly or indirectly communicated that they were not good enough. These were often confusing messages, where praise and criticism were given simultaneously. For example, "That was nice, but I bet you could do better." "Wow, six As and one B on your report card! You need to bring that B up to an A next time." "Your choir performance was lovely, but that sound system is really poor. We could hardly hear you."

Unfortunately, with the intention of continuing to motivate their children, these parents kept holding out the emotional carrot: "Just get it right this time and I will approve of you." Some psychological theories suggest over time the child's need to please her parents becomes internalized, so that she no longer needs to please her parents; she now demands perfection from herself.

Some perfectionists tell stories of chaotic childhoods where they never seemed to have control over their lives. Marital breakups, relocations, financial crises, illnesses and other hardships created an environment of instability. One of the ways in which these people got some sense of order in their otherwise disordered lives was to try to fix things over which they had some control, such as keeping their rooms neat and tidy, working exceptionally hard on schoolwork, or attempting to control their younger brothers and sisters. As adults, however, when their lives were no longer in flux, they may have continued to work hard to maintain control.

Are You A Perfectionist?

Perfectionists share some common characteristics. They are usually neat in their appearance and are well organized. They seem to push themselves harder than most other people do. They also seem to push others as hard as they push themselves. On the outside, perfectionists usually appear to be very competent and confident individuals. They are often envied by others because they seem to "have it all together." Sometimes they seem perfect. On the inside they do not feel perfect, nor do they feel like they always have control over their own lives.

Let's look at some of these characteristics more closely and how they interfere with personal and professional life. Terry, 34, a divorced working mother of two, is a high achiever with high career ambitions. But she can sometimes get hung up on the details of her work. She is not good with figures, but does not trust her staff enough to use their figures without checking them herself. She gets frustrated with this mundane work and makes mistakes herself and then becomes angry with her subordinates for doing poor work.

Perfectionists also tend to think there is a right way and wrong way to do things. When Joe, a retired Marine Corps drill sergeant, takes his boys fishing they have a routine for preparation, for fishing and for cleanup. It is time-efficient, neat, organized. The boys think the "fishing ritual" is

The Perfect Trap

overdone and they resent having to comply.

Expecting people to do their best is one thing. Expecting perfection from others often means setting goals that can be impossible to achieve. Brent, 32 and single, has been looking for Ms. Right for 12 years but cannot seem to find her. He does not have a well-defined set of characteristics in mind. He just has a general impression of an angel, a sexual goddess, a confident, independent, yet thoroughly devoted partner. Blond is preferable, but he's not that picky.

Perfectionists can have trouble making decisions. They are so worried about making the wrong one that they fail to reach any conclusion. If the person is lucky, someone else will make the decision for them, thereby assuming responsibility for the outcome. More often the decision is made by default. A simple example is not being able to choose whether to file income tax forms on time or apply for an extension. If you wait long enough, the only real alternative is to file for an extension.

Along with indecision, perfectionists are sometimes plagued by great difficulty in taking risks, particularly if their personal reputations are on the line. Brent is in a type of job were creativity can be an asset. But coming up with new ideas rather than relying on the tried and true ways of business means making yourself vulnerable to the criticism of others. Brent fears looking like an idiot should an idea he advances fail. And on the occasions when he has gone out on a limb with a new concept he has been overanxious. Brent's perfectionism illustrates several aspects of the way that many perfectionists think about themselves. There can be low self-confidence, fear of humiliation and rejection, and an inability to attribute success to their own efforts.

Breaking Free

To escape the tyranny of perfectionism, you need to understand and challenge the underlying beliefs that drive you to get things "just right."

Each of us has a set of central beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world in general and about the future. We use these beliefs or schemas to interpret the experiences in our life, and they strongly influence our emotional reactions. Schemas can also have influence on our choice of actions.

Perfectionists tend to have the beliefs listed in the accompanying box. But under every perfectionist schema is a hidden fantasy that some really good thing will come from being perfect. For example, "If I do it perfectly, then…I will finally be accepted…I can finally stop worrying…l will get what I have been working toward…I can finally relax." The flip side of this schema, also subscribed to by perfectionists, is that "If I make a mistake," there will be a catastrophic outcome ("I will be humiliated ….I am a failure…I am stupid…l am worthless").

Changing these schemas means taking notice of the experiences you have that are inconsistent with, contrary to, or otherwise do not fit with them. June, who prides herself on being a "perfect" homemaker and mother, believed with 90% certainty that "If I do it perfectly, I will be rewarded." Yet she does a number of things perfectly that others do not even notice. June would tell herself that there would be a reward from her husband or her children for taking the extra time to iron their clothes perfectly. Her son did not even realize his shirts had been ironed. When Mother's Day came, she got the usual candy and flowers. No special treats or special recognition for her extra efforts.

The Perfect Trap

When June begins to notice the inaccuracy of her schema, she begins to reevaluate how she spends her time. She decides that if it makes her feel good, then she will do it. If it is just extra work that no one will notice, then she may skip it. She is certain that there are some things she does, such as iron the bedsheets, which no one really cares about. As a matter of fact, June herself doesn't really care if the sheets are ironed. However, she does like the feel of a freshly ironed pillow cover, so she will continue that chore. June has modified her schema. Now she believes that "If you want a reward, find a quicker and more direct way to get it."

If your schema centers around more existential goals, like self-acceptance, fulfillment or inner peace, then you must employ a different strategy. If you believe that getting things just right in your life will lead to acceptance, then you must not be feeling accepted right now. What are the things you would like to change about yourself? What could you do differently that would make you feel better about who you are? If you can figure out what is missing or needs changing, you can focus your energies in that direction.

Or you may be motivated to take a different, less absolute, point of view. Instead of "I must have perfection before I can have peace of mind," consider "I need to give myself credit for what I do well, even if it is not perfect." Take inventory of your accomplishments or assets. Perhaps you are withholding approval from yourself.

If your schema is that other people's opinions of you is a mirror of your self-worth, you must ask yourself if you know when you have done something well, if you are able to tell the difference between a good performance and a poor performance. If you are capable of evaluating yourself, you do not really need approval from others to feel like you are a valuable worker or a good romantic partner.

In general, you must treat your perfectionistic schemas as hypotheses rather than facts. Maybe you are right or maybe you are wrong. Perhaps they apply in some situations, but not in others (e.g., at work, but not at home), or with some people, such as your uptight boss, but not with others, such as your new boyfriend. Rather than stating your schema as a fact, restate it as a suggestion. Gather evidence from your experiences in the past, from your observations from others, or by talking to other people. Do things always happen in a way that your schemas would predict? If not, it is time to try on a new basic belief.

One of my patients described the process as taking out her old eight-track tape that played the old negative schemas about herself and replacing it with a new compact disc that played her updated self-view. This takes some practice, but it is well worth the effort.

Do You Have Perfectionistic Basic Beliefs?

Rate the intensity with which you believe each of these statements, with 100% indicating complete agreement and 0% indicating that you do not believe it at all.

— I must be perfect or I will be rejected.

— If I make a mistake, it will be horrible.

— If I do it perfectly, then I will be accepted.

— I must be perfect or I will be embarrassed.

The Perfect Trap

— If I make a mistake, I will be humiliated.

— When I get it right, I will finally accept myself.

— When I achieve perfection, I will find inner peace.

— If I do it perfectly, then it will be rewarded.

— If others do not approve of me, then I am not OK.

— If I make a mistake, then I am worthless.

— I'm not good enough. I must keep trying.

— I must be perfect or others will disapprove of me.

— If I do it perfectly, then everything will work out right.

— I'll never be good enough.

— If others approve of me, then I must be OK.

— If I do it perfectly, then everyone will notice.

— I must be perfect or I will fail.

— Things should be done the right way.

— There is a right way and a wrong way to do things.

— It is possible to do things perfectly.

Excerpt From Never Good Enough: Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Perfectionism by Monica Ramirez Basco, Ph.D. (The Free Press, 1999).

Publication: Psychology Today Publication Date: May/Jun 99 Last Reviewed: 30 Aug 2004 (Document ID: 488)

How is it that the wor takes over your life, leaving you burned out, even

miserable? It doesn't have to be tnat

way. Here's how to make it all better.

BY DANA TANYERI

AYBE IT'S A CHAR-GRILLED STEAK AND A BONE-DRY MARTINI. OR BEING

in love, playing with the dog or perhaps a new pair of Jimmy

Choos. It could also be that warm glow you get looking over a full

dining room on those rare nights when everything hums along perfectly.

Turns out, happiness-deep, lasting satisfaction as opposed to pleasures that evaporate as quickly as the last drops of gin in that martini-is considerably more complex. Scientists who spend their lives studying the subject contend that it's some combination of genetics, values and life experience that lead to a happy life.

Whatever happiness is for you, chances are you don't have enough of it. You spend most of your time just trying to make sure that everyone else-customers, staff, suppliers, reviewers, inspectors-is happy. You work while others play and the days when life controls you far outnumber those when you control life. Employees don't show, prices rise, bad weather kills your traffic, the dish-

washer's been lifting steaks and your spouse has had it with your schedule. You're on the firing line every day, and that's one tough place to find happiness.

But figuring out how to find it does more than put a smile on your face. Happy people are healthier, tend to be more suc- cessful-and they live longer too. According to Dr. Ed Diener at the University of Illinois, a lead- ing researcher in the science of happiness, "Not only does happiness feel good, but happy people appear to function better than unhappy people-making more

ILLUSTRATIONS BY BILL MAYER

30 Restaurant Business May 2007 restaurantbiz.corn

restaurantbiz.Gom May 2007 Restaurant Business, 31

money, having better social relation- ships, being better organizational citizens at work, doing more volun- teer work and having better health."

Diener cites one study that found that, on average, happy people lived 10.7 years longer than unhappy people.

Another study tracked a group of nuns in a Milwaukee convent. Before joining the order back in the 1930s, each nun agreed to keep a diary. The language used and emo- tions exhibited in those journals were analyzed over the years and enabled researchers to separate the group into "happy nuns" and "not so happy nuns." According to Diener, two-thirds of the not so happy nuns died before their 85th birthdays, while 90 percent of the happy nuns lived past 85-and under almost identical living condi- tions. On average, the happy nuns lived nine years longer.

"That's huge," says Diener. "We look at the impact of smoking ciga- rettes on life expectancy, which can cut three years off the life of people who smoke a pack a day. So nine years related to happiness is very significant. There's a different pat- tern of biological responses that allows happy people to remain in a healthier state for more years."

Dr. Martin Seligman, director of the University of Pennsylvania's Positive Psychology Center and author of 'Authentic Happiness," is hailed as the founder of the new positive psychology movement. While traditional psychology focuses on helping to make the world a less unhappy place by confronting the distresses that bring people down, positive psychology focuses on posi- tive emotions, character traits and institutions to help make the world a more happy place. That shift in

reasons to be happy we're 2Rain this business

32 Restaurant Business May 2007 restaurantbiz,cour

APPINESS AND STRESS REPRESENT

two sides of a biological see-saw.

When one is up the other is down.

British researchers have pinpointed a

measurable indicator of this, the hormone

cortisol. When you get stressed, there's

more cortisol in your blood. When you're

happy, there's less.

Why decrease stress? "In a nutshell,

stress will kill you, via high blood pressure,

strokes, eating disorders or diabetes,"

says Dr. Edward Creagan, a professor of

medical oncology at the Mayo Clinic.

"But, more importantly, it erodes the

spirit." Herewith, seven ways

to get happier by limit-

ing your stress:

Exercise. "The new

research shows that

you don't have to work out for 20 to 30

minutes to get the benefit," says

Kathleen Hall, director of The Stress

Institute in Atlanta. "You can do a few

10-minute intervals throughout the day.

Even if you have just a couple minutes,

go up and down a few

steps and get your heart

rate up" This prompts the

body to up production of

endorphins, which create

a sense of well-being.

Get a hobby. "Find some-

thing other than work

that will let you zone out;'

says Creagan at Mayo

(see page 37).

I We get to eat for free.

Clear your calendar. Cut out all but the

most essential meetings, prioritizing

those that are about decision-making

rather than sim-

ply sharing

information.

Redecorate. Is your desk chair comfort-

able? Do you have a photo on the wall

that spurs positive feelings? Does your

filing system work for you? If not, you're

creating long-term, chronic stress that'll

put a hit on your body, not to mention

your soul.

Look back. "Think about what you have

achieved and give yourself a pat on the

back," says Jessica Pryce-Jones, a part-

ner in iOpener, a British consulting firm

that specializes in happiness at work,

Crank up the tunes. "The minute you

listen to music you love, you release

serotonin;' a brain chemical that affects

your mood, says Hall. "If you can hum

or sing along, you get an extra immune

boost, too.'

Do what you love. "You

will never be miserable if

you have a passion for

something, whether it's a

dog, your family, your

work,' says Creagan.

-" $536.9 $322.5

f 300 __$199.7

ales should reach a new _ $

ecord this year: '"l' ", pq 0

RELAX BY MICHAELA CAVALLARO

rl

3 quick steps to calm STEP 1 Eat Starting your day with

breakfast increases your metabolism,

stabilizes your blood sugar – and

staves off the onset of hunger-

induced irritability.

STEP 2 Breathe. Take a deep breath, inhaling

from your diaphragm,

pausing and exhaling

deeply. Focus on the physical

sensation. Repeat twice more. Besides simply creating a moment of

quiet reflection, deep breathing

increases the flow of oxygen to your

brain, which then lowers your heart

rate and relaxes your muscles.

STEP 3 Talk. Come up with a

positive, three- to five-word

phrase (e.g., "life is good," "I am powerful") to use as a mantra or affirmation in tense

moments. The catch: You have

to actually believe it in order for

it to work. If you do, you'll lower your

cortisol levels, according to Kathleen

Hall of The Stress Institute.

How do you deal with stress? "Go into one of the restaurants at prime time, watch the action. Brings me back to my roots."–JOF XING, LE COLONIAL

"Kneading dough is… extremely calming and requires you to center

and focus" -LIONEL VATNET, LA FARM BAKERY

"I knit The repetition of the stitches clears my mind and relaxes me." -NICHELLE D. RaTER, CONSOU-

DATED RESTAURANT OPERATIONS

"Turn off my cell phone and tell everyone to call my business partner for one whole day' -SHAR; SCtNEIDE, FUNKY DINER

"I find therapy in retreat- ing to the butcher shop:"

-BRYAN MOSCATELLO,

INDIGO LANDING

"Head to the nearest golf course and whack the ball as hard as I

can:' -JORDI VALLES, SALT

"I like to sit down to a good game of computer chess:' -FRANKLIN BECKER, BRASSERIE

"I eat a pint of Haagen Dazs and a bag of cook- ies then I go for a run:' -TENNEY FLYNN, GW FINS

"Play squash. The only person you have to please or push is your- self:' -FRANK BONNANO, LucA 0WITALIA

"I like to take my Lotus out to the racetrack and put the pedal to the metal7 -CHRISTIAN SHAFFER,

AVENUE

"I play war games on my PlayStation 3, then eat a big sandwich standing in the kitchen' .- ADOLI-O SUAYA, THE LODGE

"Play pinball. When you're hitting your ramps all is right in the worldr' -ERIC GREENSPAN, THE FOUNDRY ON MELROSE

"I take a mambo dance class. It keeps me focused on my footwork7 — VICTORIA BURGHI,

CAFE CENTRO

"I count to 10 in Spanish, but using my twin boys' voices." -ANTHONY C. BOMEACt,

NANA RESTAURANT

"Paddle out into the ocean-away from land and work-and just be:' -JOHN KOWALENK.o, HAMPTONS

EVENT MANAGEMENT

_o rtsleepy STTING A G0OD NIGHT'S SLEEP ISN'T A LUXURY TO

Gbe lndutged in as your schedule allows. Says Dr. RuseII Rosenberg, director of the Atlanta Sleep Institue "There's plenty of scientific evidence to demo trate'hat sleep loss affects moods in a negativ way and adds to-.stress"

So .I you want to be happier and decrease the amount of stress in your life, you've got to catch

moe Zs. Experts agree that the optimal amount of p is 75 to 8 hours a night But Rosenberg says

it's important not to get overwhelmed by the thought of finding several more hours for sleep in an

already jam-packed schedule. "Even just adding 30 minutes onto your nightly sleep can help," he

says, "You don't have to go from getting five hours

to eight hours to notice a difference"

No matter when you go to bed, try to wind down

first, whether you read, watch TV or do some gentle

stretching (vigorous exercise should be avoided

before bedtime). The key, says Rosenberg, is to

put a buffer between your work day and bedtime.

"Sing songs to my nine- month-old baby boy:' -GWEN TROST, SANDRINE'S

BISTRO

"I ride around on my scooter and soak up

some sunshine:' -DAVE QUERY, BIG RED F

"Get a neck massage, watch Law & Order reruns that I've seen before.' -KYLE SHADty, NUTRITION &

CULINARY CONSULTANTS

"[Make] a big pot of my mother's famous meat- balls and red sauce,: -MICHAEL ERICKSON, FIFTH

GROUP RESTAURANTS

"Call somebody who's… more stressed than I am and compare days:' -MIKE HILL, F REPL

"Karate is the key for me. It clears my mind of everything' -DOUG GULIJA,

THE PLAZA CAFE

"I [take] short vacations into the walk-in. I vent; 5 minutes later I'm a new man." -MICHAEL SALM-O, MACYW S CrLiAR BAR & GRILL

"Take a long walk in Central Park:' -TONY MAY, SAN DOMENICO

-COMPILED BY PATRICIA CORE

3 We get hassled a lot by the courts, but at least Mickey D's didn't actually have to pay that lady when she spilled hot coffee on herself.

4 We're the backbone of the U.S. economy: our economic input will be $1.3 trillion this year and we'll employ 12.0 million people.

restaurantbiz.com May 2007 Restaurant Business 33

scientific thinking has spurred new research into happiness and new efforts to measure the most import contributors to it. While some have said that trying to get happier is like trying to get taller, the positive psy- chology camp contends that people can, indeed, induce or elevate their happiness by focusing on a number of key contributors. Here's the latest on what they've learned.

Abe Lincoln once said, "I have noticed that folks are generally about as happy as they have made up their minds to be." Tolstoy was more direct: "If you want to be happy, be." It's mind-over-misery and social psychologists say studies have shown that simply choosing to be and acting happy can be habit forming and life changing.

Selig

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