This Week’s discussion questions are based on Chapters 11 and 12 (Family and Intimate Relations and Education and Religion) and the supplementary reading below:

Negotiated Marriage

As the roles of men and women in American society have changed in recent decades, couples are finding it harder than ever to stay together. Census Bureau statisticians project that at least four out of every ten marriages that occur today will end in divorce. Those that do stay together will do so not because of luck, but because of hard work and skill. In this age of “negotiated marriage” couples must determine “Who takes off work when a child is sick?” and “Who handles family finances?” Howard Markham, a psychologist at the University of Denver, points out that “We’ve gone from marriages where very little needed to be negotiated to ones where nearly everything needs to be negotiated.” It’s the success or failure of that process that often determines the durability of relationships. This is one of the reasons for programs like PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Skills Relationships), which has counseled 30,000 people in the last 10 years who have enrolled in the 16-week class.

A series of polls conducted by the Washington Post, Harvard University, and the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation, highlights the challenges couples face managing careers, raising families, sharing responsibilities, and keeping their identities intact. Washington Post Staff Writers Kevin Merida and Barbara Vebejda note, however, that while changing gender roles have considerably altered the ways that men and women relate to each other in schools, on dates, in the workplace, and in the confines of home life, the shifts have not been so dramatic. The surveys portray an America where married couples have the same “bifurcated” lives that their parents and grandparents had, where men are the primary breadwinners and women (now forces in the workplace) continue to run the household.

From cooking and washing clothes to paying the bills and taking children to the doctor, women are carrying the heaviest loads at home. Studies show that men are doing more around the house but Andrew Cherlin, a John’s Hopkins sociologist, believes that “It may be that men are still able to use their greater economic power to opt out of doing work at home, or it may be that people’s preferences are in reality less egalitarian than we thought.” Among the Post survey of couples are the following findings:

1. More women than men are bothered by the traditional division of duties (e.g., 38 percent of women compared to 24 percent of men have a problem with the amount of housework their spouses do).

2. Overwhelming majorities of both sexes say they are satisfied with how affectionate and attentive their spouse is, with the money their families earn, and with the amount of time they spend together as partners.

3. Significant differences exist in the importance men and women place on what’s important to them as individuals and in how they handle their relationship problems. Women placed greater importance on being able to talk to friends about what’s happening in their lives than men did, while married men placed a premium on having ample time to relax and pursue hobbies away from their mate.

As marriages have become more complex and more difficult to hold together, many couples are finding help in places that didn’t exist when their parents and grandparents were starting out. Once there were only psychologist or clergymen to visit. Now, there are weekend retreats, marriage education conferences, videos, board games, and Internet chat rooms.

Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education, believes that in the past, when marriage counselors ascribed marital problems to childhood character disorders or faulty personality traits, they were on the wrong track. Sollee believes that “The difference between couples who stay happy and those who crash and burn are skills. The notion of luck, finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, is overrated. It’s a skills game.”

Source:

Merida, Kevin & Barbara Vebejda. “Battles on the Home Front: Couples in Conflict Over Roles.” Washington Post (March 25, 1998. : A1, A14-A15.

Discussion questions:

1. Do you think most people have unrealistically high expectations regarding marriage? Where do these expectations come from?

2. What are some of the ways in which society might respond to help reduce the problems that arise when both parents work? Should these responses be the responsibility of the parents, the employer, or the government?