“Jack Balswick, Judith Balswick, and Thomas Frederick present a Christian perspective on the significance and purpose of the contemporary family. Through a unique blend of biblical theology, systems theory, and the social sciences, they address the many facets of the modern-day family relative to marriage, parenting, sexuality, communication, and the social dynamics of family life. As a teaching professor in the Christian academic setting, I have used the earlier editions of this extraordinary text for both graduate and undergraduate classes in marriage and family studies. In addition, as a licensed marriage and family therapist, I have found the biblical and theoretical concepts helpful and applicable. I greatly recommend this book to instructors, students, counselors, or pastors who are seeking to develop an overarching theological and sociological framework for the family.”

—Brad Overholser, chair of human development, Hope International University

“This updated edition of The Family presents recent research to continue the important contribution of this book to our thinking about families from a distinctly Christian viewpoint. It’s based on a systemic developmental perspective that captures the reality of our relationships in our families across the life span, with a special focus on the attributes of grace, empowerment, and intimacy within Christian covenantal love that can permeate those relationships and impact the larger social environment.”

—Mark Stanton, professor of psychology, Azusa Pacific University

“The reason for the longevity and influence of Balswick and Balswick’s The Familyis based in two things: the clarity of their writing on topics of interest to the Christian community and their engagement with recent scholarship. This fifth edition of what is now a standard text on family life continues this pattern of thoughtful Christian scholarship. The result is a stimulating text whose relevance extends beyond the classroom to the front lines of Christian engagement with families, whether it be in a clinical, parachurch, or congregational setting.”

—Kelvin Mutter, associate professor of counselling and spiritual care, McMaster Divinity College

“The Family is a unique resource in the study of marriage and family: it adeptly integrates theology with sociological perspectives and proven family therapy models. I highly recommend this text for marriage and family studies in Christian colleges and universities and can personally attest to how helpful it’s been to both educators and students alike.”

—Yvonne Thai, chair of the Department of Behavioral Sciences and professor of sociology, California Baptist University Online and Professional Studies

© 2021 by Jack O. Balswick, Judith K. Balswick, and Thomas V. Frederick Previous editions © 1989, 1999, 2007, 2014 by Jack O. Balswick and Judith K. Balswick

Published by Baker Academic a division of Baker Publishing Group PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 www.bakeracademic.com

Ebook edition created 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4934-3203-5

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations labeled ESV are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2016

Scripture quotations labeled NIV are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Baker Publishing Group publications use paper produced from sustainable forestry practices and post- consumer waste whenever possible.

Contents

Cover Endorsements i Half Title Page iii Title Page v Copyright Page vi Detailed Contents ix Illustrations xvii Preface xix

Part 1: Theological and Social Perspectives on Family Life 1 1. A Theological Foundation for Family Relationships: Developing a

Theology of the Family 3 2. The Family as a Developing Biosocial System 24

Part 2: Marriage: The Foundation of Family Life 47 3. Mate Selection and Cohabitation: Romance and Reality 49 4. Establishing Marriage: Moving toward Differentiated Unity 78 5. A Model for Biblical Marriage 94

Part 3: The Expansion of Family Life: Parenting and Beyond 109 6. Parenting: The Process of Relationship Empowerment 111 7. Developing a Mature, Reciprocating Self 130 8. Family Spirituality: Nurturing Christian Beliefs, Morals, and

Values 154

9. Adolescence and Midlife: Challenging Changes 167 10. The Joys and Challenges of Family in Later Life 179

Part 4: Gender and Sexuality: Identity in Family Life 199 11. Changing Gender Roles and Relations: The Impact on Family

Life 201 12. Becoming an Authentic Sexual Self 217

Part 5: Communication: The Heart of Family Life 237 13. Intimate Communication: Expressing Love and Anger 239

Part 6: The Social Dynamics of Family Life 257 14. Work and the Family: Conflict or Collaboration? 259 15. Through the Stress and Pain of Family Life 270 16. Divorce and Single-Parent Families 282 17. Complex Families in Contemporary Society 298

Part 7: Family Life in Postmodern Society 315 18. Biblical Family Values in a Modern and Postmodern World 317 19. Creating a Family-Friendly Society 331

Bibliography 343 Index 379 Back Cover 390

Detailed Contents

Cover Endorsements i Half Title Page iii Title Page v Copyright Page vi Illustrations xvii Preface xix

Part 1: Theological and Social Perspectives on Family Life 1 1. A Theological Foundation for Family Relationships: Developing a

Theology of the Family 3 Trinitarian Relationality 4

God in Relationship 6

Elements in a Theology of Family Relationships 8

Covenant: To Love and Be Loved 10

Grace: To Forgive and Be Forgiven 13

Empowerment: To Serve and Be Served 15

Intimacy: To Know and Be Known 19

Applying the Theological Model: From Hurting to Healing Behaviors 20

2. The Family as a Developing Biosocial System 24 Family-Systems Theory 24

Simple Feedback Cybernetic Control Morphogenesis Reorientation

Biological Influences on the Family 32

Genetic Factors Neurological Factors

Family-Development Theory 35

An Integration of Systems and Development Theories 39

Cohesion Adaptability Communication Role Structure

Part 2: Marriage: The Foundation of Family Life 47 3. Mate Selection and Cohabitation: Romance and Reality 49

Mate Selection in Traditional Cultures 50

Mate Selection and the Role of Romantic Love 52

Theories of Mate Selection 54

“Like Marries Like” Theory Bowen Family Systems Theory Personality Theory Filter Theory Marriage Markets Theory Other Theories

A Christian Perspective on Mate Selection 57

Cohabitation: A Path toward or Alternative to Marriage? 60

Is Cohabitation a Step toward Marriage? What Does Culture Have to Do with It? Making the Decision to Cohabit

WHAT DOES LOVE HAVE TO DO WITH IT? WHAT DOES COMMITMENT HAVE TO DO WITH IT? EVENTUAL OUTCOMES

Does Premarital Cohabitation Lead to Marital Adjustment? Is There a Selective Factor? How Does Cohabitation Impact Children? A Christian Perspective on Cohabitation

WHAT IS THE NATURE OF COMMITMENT IN COHABITING RELATIONSHIPS?

WHEN ARE TWO PEOPLE MARRIED IN THE SIGHT OF GOD?

IS COHABITATION A THREAT TO THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE? HOW SHOULD THE CHURCH RESPOND TO COHABITING COUPLES?

Discerning God’s Will 75

4. Establishing Marriage: Moving toward Differentiated Unity 78 Factors That Predict Marital Quality 78

Resolving Issues Related to the Family of Origin 80

Parents as Role Models Parental Support Adaptability

The Dilemma of Modern Marriage 86

Differentiated Unity: Becoming One and Retaining Uniqueness 87

Learning New Roles in the Marital Dance 89

Adjustment in the Marital Dance 93

5. A Model for Biblical Marriage 94 Commitment 95

Adaptability 99

Leadership and Decision-Making 102

Communication 104

Dual-Earner Marriage 104

The Mindset at the Center of Christian Marriage 107

Part 3: The Expansion of Family Life: Parenting and Beyond 109 6. Parenting: The Process of Relationship Empowerment 111

The Basic Components of Parenting Styles 114

Approaches to Discipline Types of Leadership

Alternative Parenting Styles 117

Instrumental Parenting NEGLECTFUL TEACHING MODELING DISCIPLING

Socio-emotional Parenting NEGLECTFUL AUTHORITARIAN PERMISSIVE AUTHORITATIVE

Other Impacts of Parenting Styles 123

Biological Factors in Parenting 124

A Biblical Model of Parenting 125

The Case for Coparenting 128

7. Developing a Mature, Reciprocating Self 130 Theories of Child Development 132

Psychoanalytic Theory: Internal Focus Erikson’s Neopsychoanalytic or Psychosocial Theory: Infancy through Adulthood Cognitive Structural Theories Cognitive Development Theory: The Child as a Developing Scientist Object Relations Theory: The Child as an Object Needing Love Social Learning Theory: The Child as Learner Vygotsky’s Sociocultural Theory: Parenting as Scaffolding Social Ecology: Child Development in the Village

A Critique of Child Development Theories in Light of Biblical Assumptions 143

Internal Tension Capacity to Make Choices Created for Community

Parenting Young Children 146

Unconditional Love and Self-Validation Acceptance of Differences Inherent in the Family Constellation Communication Forgiveness Serving Discipline

8. Family Spirituality: Nurturing Christian Beliefs, Morals, and Values 154

Moral Development 155

Faith Development 157

A Trinitarian Model of Family Spirituality 159

Differentiation in Christ Spiritual Differentiation in the Family Family Spirituality and Sanctification

Dealing with Differences in Faith 162

Family Spirituality Embedded in Supportive Community 164

Family Spirituality as a Process 165

9. Adolescence and Midlife: Challenging Changes 167 Adolescence 168

The Origin of the Adolescent Stage Adolescence as an Identity Crisis

Midlife 171

Parent-Adolescent Relationships 173

Parental Stimuli of Adolescent Rebellion UNWISE CHILD-REARING PRACTICES UNSATISFACTORY DIVISION OF PARENTAL AUTHORITY

Empowering Adolescent Children

10. The Joys and Challenges of Family in Later Life 179 The Launching Stage 180

Transition Tasks Contemporary Obstacles to Successful Launching

The Postlaunching Stage 183

Grandparenting Multigenerational Households

The Retirement Stage 190

Couple Satisfaction and Challenge Caring for Aging Family Members

Part 4: Gender and Sexuality: Identity in Family Life 199 11. Changing Gender Roles and Relations: The Impact on Family

Life 201 Why Gender Roles and Relations Are Changing 202

Explanations of Gender Differences 203

Critical Theory

Biblical Feminism A Radical Proposal for Reconciliation Toward an Integrated View of Gender Differences

Changing Gender Relations and Family Life 211

Women in Family Life Men in Family Life

Coparenting: The Need for Mothering and Fathering 213

A Concluding Comment 215

12. Becoming an Authentic Sexual Self 217 Societal Attitudes toward Sexuality 218

The Origin of Sexuality 220

The Meaning of Sexuality 222

A Biblical Perspective on Human Sexuality 223

Sexual Wholeness in a Broken World 225

Sex and Singleness Masturbation Sexual Identity Marital Sexuality

Part 5: Communication: The Heart of Family Life 237 13. Intimate Communication: Expressing Love and Anger 239

The Effects of Expressing Love 240

Nonverbal Expressions of Love Obstacles to Expressing Love The Expression of Love in Family Relationships

Expressing Anger: Negotiating the Inevitable Conflicts 245

A Destructive Approach to Conflict: Denial Constructive Approaches

IDENTIFY THE ISSUE STICK TO THE ISSUE CHOOSE THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE AFFIRM THE POSITIVES LEAVE PAST ISSUES IN THE PAST AVOID ATTACKING BEHAVIORS

AVOID PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS AVOID TRIANGLES

A Biblical Perspective on Anger Conflict Resolution Conflict Management

WITHDRAWERS YIELDERS WINNERS RESOLVERS COMPROMISERS

Part 6: The Social Dynamics of Family Life 257 14. Work and the Family: Conflict or Collaboration? 259

The Separate Spheres of Work and Family 259

Work and Family Conflict Related to Burnout 262

Calling and Differentiation in Christ 264

Calling and Image Bearing 266

Conclusion 269

15. Through the Stress and Pain of Family Life 270 A Model for Understanding Family Stress 271

Stressful Events Resources

Family Responses to Stress 273

Coping Problem-Solving

Coping with Catastrophes and Ambiguous Loss 275

Families in Pain 277

Christian Belief and Response to Stress and Pain 278

16. Divorce and Single-Parent Families 282 Divorce 283

Demographics Causes The Process

The Effects on Children Long- and Short-Term Divorce Adjustment Best-Case Scenarios

A Christian Approach to Divorce 291

Single-Parent Families 292

Not Enough Time Noncustodial Parents Not Enough Money: The Link between Single Parenthood and Poverty

Family Values and Valuing Families: A Christian Response 296

17. Complex Families in Contemporary Society 298 A View from Trinitarian Theology 299

Newly Formed Couple 300

Second-Marriage Dynamics 302

Newly Formed Family 303

Unrealistic Expectations 304

Parents Taking Leadership 306

Stepparents/Stepchildren 308

Stepfathers/Stepchildren 309

Marital Tension over Stepchildren 310

Summary 311

Part 7: Family Life in Postmodern Society 315 18. Biblical Family Values in a Modern and Postmodern World 317

Modernity Defined 318

The Crisis and Challenge of Modernity Consciousness Communication Community Commodities

The Impact of Modernity on the Family 323

Fragmentation of Consciousness THE PROBLEM FALSE HOPES

Complexity of Communication THE PROBLEM FALSE HOPES

Disintegration of Community THE PROBLEM FALSE HOPES

Dominance of Commodities THE PROBLEM FALSE HOPES

19. Creating a Family-Friendly Society 331 Inadequate Responses to Modernity 331

Toward a Radical Response to Modernity and Postmodernity 333

Release from Bondage to Commodities Reconstruction of Community Revitalization of Communication Reintegration of Consciousness

Support Structures 338

Extended Families 338

Koinonia in Communities 339

The Church 339

Shalom in Society 340

Hope for the Family and Society 342

Bibliography 343 Index 379 Back Cover 390

Illustrations

Figures

1. Theological Characteristics of Family Relationships 8 2. Types of Commitment in Family Relationships 12 3. Family-Systems Theory 26 4. Disengagement, Differentiation, and Fusion 41 5. Adaptability and Cohesion within Families 43 6. Styles of Instrumental Parenting 118 7. Styles of Socio-emotional Parenting 120 8. An Interactive Developmental Model of Human Sexuality 221

Tables

1. From Hurting to Healing Behavior 22 2. Family Development 37 3. Characteristics of Effective and Ineffective Families 40 4. Traditional, Biblical, and Modern Views of Marriage 95 5. Major Stage-Specific Theories of Child Development 134 6. The Impact of Modernity on the Family: Dilemmas and False

Hopes 323 7. Creating a Positive Family Environment 334

Preface

We (Jack and Judy) initially wrote The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home to present an integrated view of contemporary family life based on current social-science research, clinical insights, and biblical truth. The biblical integration reflects broad theological truths woven throughout the Scriptures rather than specific proof texts. We chose to present the social-scientific knowledge in an easy-to-read style rather than one that was academic but more cumbersome. The positive response to the previous four editions of our book has warranted this updated fifth edition. And we brought on a coauthor, Tom, to partner with us in the task. Building on the previous material, this new edition incorporates the most current research to date—with over one hundred additional references incorporated into the fifth edition—and our response to the continued changes that are taking place in modern society and family life, the increasing role of grandparents in parenting their grandchildren, and work and family life. And in recognition of the importance of biosocial influence, we highlight the interactive effect of bio-psycho-socio-cultural factors that help us understand family dynamics.

Our book is divided into seven parts. In part 1, “Theological and Social Perspectives on Family Life,” we put forward a basic theology of relationships and theoretical perspectives on the family as a developing biosocial system. Part 2, “Marriage: The Foundation of Family Life,” is devoted to the topics of mate selection, cohabitation, and the establishment of a strong Christian marriage. In part 3, “The Expansion of Family Life: Parenting and Beyond,” we focus on the development and rearing of young children, the particular challenges of midlife parents and their adolescent children, and the joys and challenges of the later-life family. In part 4, “Gender and Sexuality: Identity in Family Life,” we consider the changing definitions of masculinity and femininity and the implications they have for family relationships, and we discuss the complex dimensions of becoming an authentic sexual self as part of God’s design and intention. Part 5, “Communication: The Heart of Family Life,” describes the expression of

love and intimacy as well as the expression of anger and normal conflicts that inevitably occur between family members. In part 6, “The Social Dynamics of Family Life,” we attend to the critical aspects of family life such as work-family dynamics, life stressors, divorce, single parenthood, remarriage, and building new family forms. Part 7, “Family Life in Postmodern Society,” deals with the effects that modern industrialized society and postmodern thinking have had on family life. Suggestions are made for changing social structures to create a more family-friendly environment.

Rather than taking a piecemeal approach, devoting each chapter to a specific topic, we have attempted to make every chapter an integral part of the overarching theme of the book. The foundation for this theme is the theology of family relationships expounded in parts 1 and 2. Therefore, we have aspired to weave into the content of each chapter our theological basis for family relationships from the perspective of the family as a developing system.

Coauthorship and teamwork make this book a collaborative project. A marriage and family therapist for over forty years, Judy is senior professor at Fuller Theological Seminary in the Marriage and Family Therapy Department. Jack, a professional sociologist with forty-five years of teaching, research, and writing experience at the university and seminary level, is also a senior professor at Fuller. They have each had postdoctoral seminary training in theology and biblical studies and they speak throughout the United States and abroad on marriage and family life. Tom Frederick has known Jack and Judy since 1997, when he came to Fuller Theological Seminary as a marriage and family therapy student. It was there that he was introduced to the Balswick’s theology of family relationships and witnessed their authentic Christian commitment to personal and spiritual growth as mentors and scholars. Tom is currently a professor of psychology and the program director for the online Master of Science in Counseling Psychology program at California Baptist University.

Although we have attempted to blend academic, clinical, and theological understandings of the family, our interest in family life is not merely as scholars. The core of our lives has been experienced in the context of family, and our joint calling is to minister to families. We feel most fortunate to have been reared and nurtured in loving Christian homes. Our parents modeled

unconditional love and grace that provided secure foundations and brought profound spiritual meaning to our lives.

Being married for sixty years has taught us (Jack and Judy) much about what it takes to live out the principles we propose in this book. Our adult children, Jacque and Joel, have challenged and continue to challenge us to grow throughout every life stage. We have tried to maintain balance through the joys and pains, ups and downs, ebb and flow, stress and elation of family living. Forty years ago our beloved ten-year-old son, Jeff, died of bone cancer. Working through that loss as well as remembering the delight of his life has changed us all. We spent three years living in an extended-family arrangement with our daughter Jacque, her first husband, and our two- and three-year-old grandsons, Curtis and Jacob, who have now graduated from college and are working full time. We have two additional grandsons, Taylor and Liam, from our daughter’s marriage to Dana Kirk. Our adopted Korean son Joel is married to Uyen Mai, a Chinese Vietnamese woman, who has enriched our multicultural perspective. In addition they have gifted us with our first granddaughter, Elizabeth, and their adopted Korean son, Benjamin. We’ve been through the agonizing illnesses and deaths of all four parents and had the privilege and challenge of living with Judy’s aging mother for nine months prior to her death at age ninety-two.

I (Tom) have been married to Gail Frederick for twenty-three years, which has taught me much about the transformative nature of marriage. Gail’s Taiwanese background has added a crucial multicultural dimension to family life. We have had to practice careful listening and other communication strategies. Further, it has been enriching to see both sets of in-laws accept us as part of the family. We have enjoyed the hospitality of our Taiwanese family while making our lives in California. Raising two children, Nathaniel and Zoe, has provided many opportunities to practice empowerment, grace, and intimacy. Being a teenager is challenging under normal circumstances; however, there are no manuals for parenting or being a teen during a global pandemic.

All in all, the three of us have learned a lot and continue to learn as we encounter the blessings and struggles of each unique stage of family life. Having preached on the fragility of the isolated nuclear family, we are constantly reminded of our need for God as our strength as well as for those who have walked alongside us on the journey. Our friends, family, and communities of faith add a wealth of wisdom and perspective. We want to

offer a warm and heartfelt thanks to Nathaniel Frederick, who assisted in compiling and updating the bibliography. Robert Hosack at Baker Academic provided needed encouragement for us tackling this revision. We would be remiss without thanking editor James Korsmo and copyeditor Stephanie Juliot. Their thorough review, attention to detail, and helpful suggestions have greatly improved this fifth edition. Finally, we would like to thank Paula Gibson from the visual communication department whose work on the front cover captured beautifully the content of the book. We trust that what we have learned will benefit our readers.

Visit www.bakeracademic.com/professors to access study aids

and instructor materials for this textbook.

PART 1

Theological and Social Perspectives on Family

Life

Some observe a crisis in the Christian family in the United States today. There are challenges to how Christians define the nature and function of the family, and many are confused with how to incorporate the best sociology research into understanding this bedrock of society. Our approach is to consider the biblical, theological, cultural, and sociological perspectives on family life in an attempt to integrate secular knowledge with the truth of Scripture. In chapter 1 we present a theology of family relationships based on what the Bible says about relationality through the Holy Trinity: God as parent in relationship to the children of Israel, Christ as groom in relationship to the church as bride, and the Holy Spirit in relationship to all believers who are empowered to live in rightful relationships as brothers and sisters in Christ. The emergent theology of family relationships highlights the elements of covenant, grace, empowerment, and intimacy as family members strive to maintain their unique individuality within family unity.

In chapter 2 we introduce two sociological perspectives. The systemic perspective, which views the family as a unit of interrelated parts, concentrates on the relationships between family members. The developmental perspective focuses on the bio-psycho-socio-cultural impact and various stages of individual and family life. By integrating these sociological perspectives, we will discover some of the basic marks of a resilient family.

1

A Theological Foundation for Family Relationships

Developing a Theology of the Family

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